Tragedy Plus Time Equals Comedy
by TheNewIdea
Summary: In which Sylvester Junior and Butch(Tom and Jerry) head home for Christmas; Muttley and Dick Dastardly join the Salvation Army; Bugs attempts to host a Christmas party with mixed results; Mickey's business faces bankruptcy thanks to Scrooge; Pluto makes an important life decision; and Wile E. Coyote and Calamity, who have been apart for years, finally have a chance to reconcile.


New York City, Seagram Building Plaza

December 20th

9:30 pm

Sylvester Junior stood in front of the Seagram Building dressed rather uncomfortably, in a red tie and black tuxedo. All of this he wore underneath a decent winter coat. Being a cat, Sylvester had no boots or shoes to speak of and as a consequence, periodically about the plaza to prevent frostbite. As he stood patiently waiting for his wife, he couldn't help but remember his father, who had died in an automobile accident the year before. Sylvester liked to believe that he made him proud, that he mattered to someone. He was right on all accounts and not just to his father, but to everyone he came in contact with.

After standing in front of the building for what seemed like hours but in reality was only twenty minutes, Sylvester found himself walking towards the door, beyond which was a lit lobby. From his position, Sylvester could see a security guard, who was contently drinking hot chocolate and reading the newspaper from the day before, completely ignoring his presence. Sylvester had tried knocking several times in the past twenty minutes that he had been waiting but to no avail. He had also tried calling his wife, but was dismayed to find that his cell phone had almost nothing in the way of reception.

"You're really killing me Lucille" Sylvester thought to himself as he moved away from the door, pacing up and down the plaza, "You were supposed to meet me at the pier for dinner, when you didn't show I assumed that you were working late. If anything the least you can do is call me and tell me when you'll be done, that way I don't get upset. It's simple communication Lucille, it's not a hard thing to grasp."

If Sylvester thought about calling the office phone at that moment instead of waiting, he would have heard exactly why his wife didn't show up for dinner earlier that evening. He would have also discovered two realities- the first, his wife was cheating on him. The second, who she was cheating on him with.

The longer Sylvester stayed outside the more he became concerned with staying warm and the less concerned he became about his marital affairs. As he paced up and down the plaza, Sylvester allowed his mind to drift to happier times, happier memories.

Sylvester remembered the last time he saw his friends. Although technically friends of his father, he liked to think that he was part of their circle and so he decided to tag along for an impromptu Christmas party at Bugs Bunny's house. At the time Bugs, and for that matter the rest of the Looney Tunes, lived in suburbia. Sylvester Sr. had recently inherited his half of the small fortune that Granny had left him, as well as the house, and was living as comfortably as he possibly could. As for Bugs, he was trying, and failing, to get his old job at Warner Brothers back.

Sylvester also remembered Daffy Duck, who was still roommates with Bugs and engaged to Tina. From what he could tell, things were happy between them.

"So how's it going Bugs?" Sylvester asked curiously, hoping to stay on his good side.

Bugs shrugged, "It could be worse kiddo" he replied, "It could be a lot worse. I got my health and my family. What else matters?"

Sylvester nodded in agreement, upon looking around however he saw no sign of Bugs' relations, in fact, he didn't remember seeing any of them, throughout the night or in his entire life.

"My friends are my family Junior" Bugs explained, "Which you can consider yourself a part of."

The ring of Sylvester's cell phone brought him back to reality in front of the Seagram Building. Pulling out his phone and looking at the caller ID, Sylvester was surprised to find that it was none other than his uncle, Tom.

"Uncle Tom" Sylvester exclaimed excitedly, "It's so good to hear from you! How yah been?"

Tom laughed softly at Sylvester's eagerness, it was the kind of laugh that elders give when remembering what it was like to be young and free spirited.

"I just called to see if you were coming back West for Christmas" Tom answered, "The guys are really wanting to see you Junior. Bring that pretty wife of yours down too, I'm sure she'll want to come."

Sylvester shook his head, the only person he allowed to call him Junior was Tom, but despite this it would have been nice to referred every once in a while but his real name. Tom, who heard this, couldn't help but laugh, this time more full heartedly than before.

"You'll always be Junior to me" Tom said jokingly, "Now I better see your ass at the bar in the next two days or I'm coming up to New York to slash your eyes out…Oh and _Cousin_ Jerry says hello.

Sylvester smiled and waved hello as if Jerry was right in front of him despite the fact that the mouse was across the country.

"I've already booked the flight" Sylvester explained, "I'll be at Mick's place by Thursday don't worry. I just got to get Lucille to pack her things and we can go."

"Can't you just pack for her?" Tom continued, "I mean she is your wife after all."

Sylvester huffed at the gesture as if it was the stupidest suggestion in the world.

"She doesn't like me going through her things" Sylvester replied, "And who can blame her really? I sure as hell can't."

The wind slowly began to pick up, Sylvester moved back towards the door. He didn't bother knocking this time, for he saw no point in it.

"Hey have you seen Butch lately?" Tom asked curiously, "He said he was going to New York for business."

Sylvester shook his head, "That could be anywhere within the state Tom" he pointed out, "The City isn't the only thing here. There's Buffalo and New Albany and-"

Tom cut him off with a laugh, for he loved it when Sylvester took things too literally, it reminded him of his father.

"Alright Junior I get it" Tom replied, begging for mercy, "I just thought you might have seen him. Well anyway, if you do see him, bring him back with yah, it'd be good to talk of times."

"Isn't the phrase talk of _old_ times?" Sylvester said

"Don't be fatuous" Tom scolded annoyingly, "Besides, there's no such thing as old times. That would imply that they weren't treasured."

Sylvester could see some sense in this, for something to be considered worn, it had to be used. For something to be considered old, in terms of time, they were once current. Sylvester knew that Tom's ideologies, especially when it came to friendships, were life-lasting, Butch was no exception, in fact Butch was Tom's standard when it came to people.

"Of course Tom" Sylvester continued, "I didn't mean it like that. But then you know me, always too damn smart for my own good. I'll be the first to admit it."

Tom could be heard talking to someone else in the room, Sylvester assumed that it was either Jerry or Toddles, Tom's wife.

"You know it'd be real great to see yah again Junior" Tom said, restating his statement from earlier, "Why I remember when you were knee high to me. Now look at yah, you're rich, successful, got a beautiful wife. What more could you ask for?"

Sylvester could think of a few things, he would like to have some kids and live long enough to see them with families of their own. Lucille however, had other plans.

"Well I won't keep you any longer" Tom concluded finally, "Give Lucille my best, and love yah furball."

Sylvester said his goodbyes and hang up the phone. He continued to pace the plaza, hoping and praying to God that Lucille would appear. After twenty more minutes of waiting and aimless pacing, Sylvester finally gave up and made his way to the street, hailing a cab heading straight for home.

Butch walked out of Lucille's office feeling more ashamed of himself than he had in his entire life. Here he was, sleeping with someone who several years younger than he was and married. It only made matters worse when he realized that Lucille was married to Sylvester, who he loved with everything he had in the world.

"This is wrong" Butch whispered to himself, "All of this is wrong."

Lucille stepped out into the hallway, keys in hand. As soon as she turned towards the door to lock it, Butch took the opportunity and hoofed it to the elevator. He was three seconds from the button when Lucille caught him, her voice shrill and somewhat demanding.

"And where do you think you're going big man?" Lucille asked, in her mind being playful.

"The hotel" Butch answered simply, "Where I should've been the whole time."

Lucille furrowed her eyebrows, obviously she was not pleased with his response. Slowly, almost hypnotically, she walked towards the elevator casually twirling her keys as carelessly as possible.

"You know what the funny thing about cats is Butch?" Lucille asked, "That they have nine lives and each one is a little different."

Butch rolled his eyes annoyingly, for that was exactly the same line that he used when he picked her up in the café three weeks before, a decision that he now regretted with everything he had.

"Look let's get one thing straight Lucy" Butch said as sternly as possible, "When I met you I had no idea you were married. I just thought you were a nice broad who looked like she needed a good time. That's it. But now…."

Lucille nodded, feigning understanding, "Now that you know that I'm married to Sylvester you want to break me off."

Butch nodded and smiled meekly, he hoped that the break up would go as smoothly as possible. So far, it appeared to be working.

"It's nothing personal Lucille" Butch defended, "But I can't carry on like this. It wouldn't be right! It's not fair to you and it's not fair to Junior."

Lucille's eyes immediately became cold, black and lifeless, as if they were made from the depths of Hell. Unsheathing her claws, Lucille dug as hard as she could into Butch's shoulder just as the elevator opened up causing Butch to fall to his knees in pain, cringing the more force Lucille applied.

"Okay then mister" Lucille began, leaning in threateningly, "If you didn't like the idea of seeing a married woman, then why the hell did you?"

Butch shook his head, his brain was trying to come up with an answer that would leave him with as much body fluid as possible as well as all extremities intact. At the same time he was trying to come up with an explanation to give to Sylvester, for the last thing that he wanted was to estrange himself from Junior because of a mistake. Of course, if such a thing happened, Butch wouldn't even so much as protest, as far as he was concerned what he was doing was an unforgivable crime, so unforgivable that he was sure that he was going to go to hell for it.

"Whatever my reasons" Butch said as he attempted to wretch Lucille's claw from his shoulder, "It was a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake…"

Lucille only dug deeper into Butch's skin, forcing Butch to let out what screams he was holding inside.

"That's not good enough!" Lucille screamed, "Now give me a real reason!"

Butch nodded and swallowed hard. It took everything he had to remain silent, for he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of a proper answer. At the same time however, he felt as if he owed it to her, and to Sylvester, to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

"Years ago" Butch began, "I had this girl. She was everything to me. Smart, funny, good to be around, good to be with. But I guess I wasn't everything to her, she had her eyes set on someone else. She broke my heart but I took it like a man. I respected her for it, you might even say I loved her for it…"

Lucille growled and spat in Butch's face, "What was her name?" she asked, secretly hoping that it was something that sounded remotely ugly in order to make herself feel superior.

"Toddles" Butch answered, "Her name was Toddles. I've never loved anyone like I loved her. I suppose I still do. But none of that matters now, I'll find someone else eventually…or maybe I won't. Whatever happens I'm happy and I'm happy because she's happy, she couldn't have chosen a better husband than Tom."

Lucille was exactly three seconds from ripping out Butch's shoulder, as far as she was concerned pity and revitalizing a past romance was not a good enough reason to start an affair.

"If you're unhappy with your life" Butch continued, "Then change it. Cheating on your husband isn't going to solve anything, in fact it'll only make things worse."

Butch slowly pulled himself to his feet, working through his shoulder and powering through Lucille's resistance.

"Either you talk to him, or I will" Butch said as he entered the elevator, "Either way, he's finding out whether you like it or not."

Lucille pulled her claw from Butch's shoulder, causing him to cringe in pain once more. As the elevator doors closed Lucille's eyes returned to their normal blue shade, anger temporarily replaced with fear and anxiety. Just as Lucille was about to run into Butch's arm, Butch stopped her and shook his head pitifully.

"Maybe you thought about that_ before_ things got out of hand?" he replied.

Almost immediately after Butch felt an overwhelming wave of pity wash over him. It was the same wave of pity that started the affair, and now it was going to end it.

"You're a catch Lucille. A real catch. I wish you could see that for yourself because I know Junior and he's a damn good fisherman. Good luck sweet cheeks. I hope that whatever life brings, it's as good as what you've thrown away, because you're never goanna find another guy like that. I bet my life on it."

With that the elevator door closed, sending Butch down to the ground floor and leaving Lucille alone in the darkness, crying her eyes out.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> I've given this some thought and decided to play this story straight. The comedy will still be there, but in less obvious, in your face ways.


End file.
